I Was Wrong About Marriage

I can’t even believe we will be married for one year in just 5 months. These past 7 months have been the biggest challenge and learning experience I could ever have. No college class, part-time job or bridal shower advice ever prepared me for being married. I had SO MANY misconceptions about marriage coming into this, things I never saw coming and things I was flat out wrong about. I remember one day texting a friend in frustration just saying, “I feel like no one talks about the first year of marriage, like it’s a big secret no one wants to share!!” So I’m going first, I’ll let you in on the secrets you WILL ask yourself within the first year, if not the first month you’re married.

1. Nothing is “Normal”
This word “normal” will suddenly rule your life. You’ll wonder if you’re “normal”, if he’s “normal”, if that weird conversation at dinner was “normal” or if your marriage is “normal”. Nope. It’s not. Nothing is normal. It’s not normal to move-in with a guy and share 100% of your space, or to show him how many shoes you really do have, or how often you really don’t like to shower. Everything you’ve ever known as “normal” has changed. But you will get a new “normal”, you’ll create a routine together, you’ll find out every single thing you didn’t even care to know, and that will eventually be something you love and cherish and miss within daily life. Key word: eventually.

2. Except arguing IS normal
This one really scared me. We didn’t fight before we got married- maybe a few stressful wedding planning moments and me just being sassy, but nothing I ever spent more than 10 minutes stewing over. Marriage is stressful, combining your bank accounts, figuring out jobs, car accidents, Doctor appointments, moving, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning… Life happens after the wedding day!! As long as the arguments are respectful and without any type of abuse… all you can know is that it really is normal!! Every time my husband and I argue it breaks my heart, it really does- but what matters most is how it’s resolved, what you learn from it for the next time an argument arises, and that holding a grudge just causes you to become bitter. The best thing about marriage is that even when we don’t feel like we deserve love, we continue to receive it anyways. And that’s better than any “I’m sorry” in my book.

3. The Pages Change
You may be wondering, “what pages?” Well, the pages in the book of Life, of course! When you’re first falling in love at some point you’ve probably told someone “We’re on the same page” or “We have the same goals” or “Our paths have crossed and now we are going down the same road”…. all meaning you want the same things in life in that very moment. This is so important!! While your shared goals such as saving money to buy a house or having children should be the same- other things will change!! Whether that’s a career, moving to another state, acquiring different hobbies, or your relationship with Christ!! My husband and I are SO ALIKE in SO MANY ways!! However, we are very different in other areas. Since being married I have started a Christian Book Study and joined a Bible study with some other Army wives here in Georgia. My faith and personal relationship with Jesus is growing and changing- and it’s been long over due, while my husband’s may not be growing and changing at the same rate as mine. THAT’S OK!! This is a pretty deep example, but just because you’re on different pages in some areas doesn’t mean you no longer have the same ideals you started with. I’m not the same person I was 2 years ago, and in 2 years from now I will be different in other ways. Continue to pray for each other, lift each other up, don’t hold things in, talk a LOT, and the little things that change about your spouse won’t seem so big in the long run.

4. Your Past will Haunt You
During those first few months, you’ll start to re-live the past. Whether it’s during an argument or something someone says in passing, or a dish left in the sink, you’ll watch the past repeat itself from your point of view. All of those things you experienced that had a negative impact on you WILL come up. Maybe not in ways you thought, but they will. For me, I had a horrible relationship with my Dad. He was mean, he was easily angered, he made his wife and daughters full of stress, shame, and repentance. My past haunted me when my husband emptied the dishwasher after I said I would do it and it made me feel so horrible and lazy. This was a preconceived idea that was formed in my head because my mom, sisters, and I were always on edge about what “task” we needed to do next. There was no relaxing when my Dad was around. If he hollered for one of us to do the dishes, we had to do it immediately. If he cleaned out the litter box, he’d threaten to get rid of the cats. He had us all feeling horrible for ever “making” him do any sort of task. This was something HUGE I dealt with on several occasions. Again, it’s NORMAL!! You’re creating a new normal and mine is realizing that a man can respectfully help around the house and not make his wife feel bad about it. How lucky am I?? I know right…. 😉

5. It Will Feel Different
Somewhere along the lines, when life gets hectic, you’ll realize how different your relationship is from when you first met. You’ll get really sad, and you’ll ask yourself if it’s “normal”. And I’m here to tell you once again…. It’s totally normal. Well, whatever “normal” means. You’ll think about how perfectly flawless you thought your spouse was and how you stared at pictures of them for hours because you were enchanted and captivated. You’ll read your journal and see all the now silly worries you once had about falling in love because now you’re full-force, 100% in love and committed for life. Some days will feel more “dreamy” than others, some days will really suck, you’ll make each other mad, you’ll cry, you’ll waste an entire day together watching The Walking Dead on Netflix, and you’ll realize that regular life being married is better than any single life before.